2024 January – March

I didn’t start the year with hopes of change or any great expectations. I’ve learned my lesson.

This neighbourhood, this life, simply existing here in this space, has broken my spirit.

I did have a trip to visit family in Cali in February and I am so grateful that they always welcome me with open arms and never ask anything of me.

To me this trip felt like the parts of the subway system in Toronto (where I live) that are above ground.

Most of the subway system is underground for long stretches at a time and then suddenly, daylight!

You know when these breaks will occur but you look forward to them as if you had only ever heard of them and never experienced them yourself.

And for those brief intervals, you look up from your phone or open your eyes from your subway nap, and take in as much you can; trees, buildings, cars, people walking their dogs, or sitting on park benches drinking a coffee…life…and you are part of it, if only as an observer.

And then just as suddenly, you are back in the stagnant, suffocating darkness and no longer a part of the life going on above ground.

About a week or so before my trip, the Italian’s mother slipped on some black ice on the road just outside of the house and ended up in hospital with a broken pelvis and fractured shoulder.

I booked the February trip to Cali almost immediately after I returned from the last trip out there, and frequently spoke about how much I was looking forward to going again, so it shouldn’t have been any great surprise to any one that I actually went.

However, I believe the Italian’s sister had some thoughts about it because I actually felt the animosity coming from her and still do. It’s like how you can feel humidity on your skin just sticking to you, dragging you down, no matter what you.

The night after the Italian’s mother was admitted to hospital, the Italian’s sister came over and started questioning, demanding, accusing.

“The snow has to be shovelled when needed” There was no snow on the ground and I have no problem shovelling snow because it is a safety issue. However, I can’t very well shovel the snow when I’m at work now can I?

“There should have been salt on the driveway”. There was salt on the driveway and she slipped on the road at the corner not on the driveway. “I don’t care it should have been done!” Again, it was done. Nobody told your mother to meet her friend on the corner across the street rather than have her friend come right to the house – like all the other times before.

“The lawn has to be mowed when needed. Just get it done. don’t care if you have to hire someone – it has to be done when it has to be done. I’m tired of this shit!”. Um, it’s February bro. And it’s not a safety issue if the grass isn’t cut. Just because the neighbour cuts his grass at 1:30 pm on a Tuesday doesn’t mean that I am rushing back to this house after work to cut the grass.

I get up between 4am and 4:30 am everyday so that I can get ready and catch that first bus, to then take the subway to get to work at 7am, where I usually work through lunch and barely have time for washroom breaks because of my ever increasing workload.

Then I have to spend another hour or hour and a half after work on transit to get to a neighbourhood and house where I don’t really want to be so that I can then spend another hour or so cutting the grass.

Grass cutting is not a priority for me so I’ll get to it when I get to it. And if that’s not good enough for whoever, then whoever can take care of it and leave me out of it going forward.

“Why are your clothes hanging on the drying line and in bins in the laundry room? Is it because there’s no room in the upstairs closets? Maybe you should get a rack for your clothes.”

Yeah, there’s no room for me upstairs. I did have my clothes in the closet in the spare bedroom but then other clothes started to appear, pushing my items to one side, making it difficult to reach or even see my clothes.

And when I reorganized the closet to put my items towards the front, they somehow ended up at the back again. And the additional clothes were not items that were used daily or at all, by anyone, so I got the message and removed my things.

Also the fact that the vacuum cleaner is stored there, kind of discouraged me from hanging my clothes, that I have to wear to work every day, in that closet. Not sure if you like smelling like vacuum cleaner but I don’t.

Look, I get it. Her 87 year old mother was in hospital with broken bones and in pain. And after seeing the video of her falling from the ring camera, it could have been much worse if she fallen into traffic. So it’s understandable that she would be concerned about her mother.

But I get a feeling that it’s not just about that because her mother was getting the best care and was doing well.

I think it had more to do with the fact that she now had to take notice of her mother. Does that make sense?

After, 11 years of me being at the house and playing caregiver, chauffeur, all around handy person, it was her turn to actually look after her mother.

I get the feeling that she thought of it as a chore.

She had to visit her mother at the hospital every day after work. Mind you, the hospital was about 5 mins from the house and 5 mins from her work location. And the highway is right there, so it’s not like she was forced to go well out of her way.

She could visit with her mother while the rush hour traffic died down or she could stay at the house overnight if the weather was not great or if she didn’t feel like making the 30 min drive to her house.

She had to visit her mother on weekends and that took away her ‘me’ time which usually occurred on weekends. Specific appointments or activities at specific intervals and some of these things had to be put on the back burner for a while.

I’m not slamming anyone for taking time to do whatever makes them feel happy. What I’m saying is, don’t expect me to take over your responsibilities for your mother when I also need some mental health time for myself after spending all week managing others needs.

And yes, I do take time for myself when I can but I also look after my mother who doesn’t live 5 mins from me or my work location.

In fact, when my mother was in a car accident in the early 2000’s and was in hospital in Kingston (about a two hours from Toronto) I was driving there to see her every weekend; both days. Driving there and back on Saturdays and there and back on Sundays.

And if she was in a hospital closer to Toronto, I would have visited her every day no matter what I had going on.

I understand that I am a different person with different experiences, perspectives, outlooks etc., and I don’t expect anyone to handle a situation in the same way that I would, but I also don’t expect anyone to be responsible for the things in my life that are mine to handle.

In January I saw a meme that went:

“There are three places I’m not going this year. Above and beyond, out of my way, and the extra mile.” And I am owning that shit.

I wasn’t about to cancel my trip.

My mother was fine. Two of my brothers who live closer to her than I do, knew they were on deck for Mom duty.

I wasn’t worried about the Italian. He’s a grown man and contrary to popular belief, can actually take care of himself.

He doesn’t drive now, so I asked him what he wanted for groceries and made sure that he had everything on that list and more. He was ok with it so that’s all that mattered to me.

His sister on the other hand, had a problem with it.

Whenever I visit my family in Cali, the Italian and I set aside a specific time daily to video chat so that we don’t go a day without talking to each other or without saying ‘I love you’ before going to bed.

During our conversation on the second night, he told me that his sister had an issue with the fact that most of the groceries were frozen foods. He told her that was because he couldn’t stand for long periods of time, this was what he wanted. He could just put whatever in the oven and sit while it warmed up.

She felt that he should be making fresh pasta salad or turkey wraps for himself everyday and not just warming up frozen foods, which according to her was unhealthy.

Um…now what now?

Either she or her mother took it upon themselves to put the call out to family and friends that the Italian was destitute without food because I had abandoned him to go on vacation.

And their idea of providing healthier food was to…order pizza, or McDonald’s or Burger King, or to bring over cake and cookies.

When I returned almost everything I had purchased was still in the freezer and there was almost an entire cake in the fridge. The grapes and apples were untouched and only some of the tangerines (which I had pre-peeled and separated) were consumed.

The Italian puts one banana per day in his morning smoothies so the bananas were still ok. I made sure to purchase enough of them in various stages of ripeness so the ones that were super green would be just right by the time I got back.

The Italian had so many visitors while I was away. He actually said that he wished people would stop coming by and/or calling to see if he was ok or if he needed anything. He just wanted to be left alone.

I’m grateful that his sister and brothers came by to visit and that he is communicating more with them now about their mother. She is becoming more and more forgetful and they have to have a plan in place in case she needs serious medical supervision.

I have no say in what they decide as a family for their mother.

So, here we are. The Italian’s sister doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist in the house whenever she comes over, but she has yet to tell me what I did wrong or what she believes I did wrong, so I’m happy to stay out of sight.