April to June 2024

The last three months have really brought out the true nature of those around me. And mine as well.

I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned this before but last year I was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Having the diagnosis of these two disorders, has made it clear that I’ve been suppressing certain behaviours and quirks for my entire life because others would say or think that I wasn’t ‘normal’, it has been really quite exhausting.

I know now that haven’t been my authentic self but how I am I supposed to live authentically when I don’t even really know who I am supposed to be? If I had this knowledge at an earlier age, would things have turned out differently in my life?

I feel like I’ve been just existing as a tool for others to use when they wanted, like a broom or a shovel, and not really living so I’ve started to prioritize myself and getting on a path to making my life what I want it to be.

Well, I don’t think the Italian’s family are happy of my suddenly becoming aware that I am not a broom.

One Saturday the Italian’s mother asked if I would mow the lawn, which is something I’ve had no problem doing. I had plans to see my mother so I told the Italian’s mother that I didn’t know what time I would be back so I would mow the lawn the next day if it didn’t rain.

She went ballistic, started pulling at her hair, and said that she would hire somebody to do it.

I am not the one to play these games with so I said “ok then hire somebody”, and I left to go to visit my mother. 

I’ve told the Italian, many times, that if somebody asks me to do something and I agree, then that person should step aside and let me do the thing because once I agree to it, I understand that it is my responsibility. 

Don’t micro-manage, don’t continue to ask me if I’m going to do the thing, or if I’ve done the thing, or tell me how to do the thing. And certainly do not tell me that I have to do it because the neighbour did it because that’s the surest way to not get it done.

Step the fuck away from the thing because if you don’t and you keep nagging me about it, then I will give the thing back to you and it once again becomes your responsibility and you can do with it what ever you like with no further input from me.

About a week later, the Italian and I were out for a drive and when we returned, there was somebody mowing the lawn and that was that.

The Italian told me that his mother was going to pay this person $40 per week to mow the lawn and that it was expensive. I asked him if he had ever heard the term ‘fuck around and find out’ because his family is now in the finding out stage of the game.

But wait there’s more…

The Italian’s middle brother was at the house one day with his spouse and they were helping the Italian’s mother with something in the garage.

The Italian asked his brother, if he would install a security camera pointing to the driveway and his brother said, “Why don’t you ask your wife to do it? What is she here for anyway?”

Um…now what now? 

Turns out, the Italian’s mother was telling whoever would listen that I refused to do anything around the house, that I just sat around all day, and that on Sundays I would leave the house to spend all day downtown.

When the Italian told me this I was livid. 

First of all, it’s nobody’s business what I choose to do with the one day per week that I have to myself.

Second of all, see ‘first of all’ above.

The Italian asked if I would stay at the house on one particular Sunday because everybody was coming over for lunch and I agreed.  

The Italian’s sister didn’t show up saying that she had another appointment that day.

The Italian’s oldest brother, his wife (the Alcoholic) and their daughter arrived first and we were all sitting in the living room chatting. 

The middle brother and his spouse arrived next and when they came in neither one even acknowledged that I was there.

When they sat beside me on the couch and the middle brother’s spouse turned her back to me – that was it for me and I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the afternoon.

The middle brother’s spouse is not particularly bright and I think she really thought she did something clever.

There was not enough room at the dining room table for me so I ate lunch by myself in the kitchen while the rest of them had a lovey Sunday family lunch. Afterwards I sat with everyone in the living room while they chatted and I didn’t say one word.

Later, after everyone had left, I told the Italian what his middle brother’s spouse did even though I didn’t do anything to deserve that treatment, certainly not from her. I also told him that I would never again attend one of these Sunday lunches so he shouldn’t ask me to.

So now here we are at the last day of June 2024.

I left the house early. The sooner I get out of here the better even though I know I will eventually have to return.

Today happened to be the Pride Parade in Toronto and one of Kensington Market’s pedestrian Sundays where they close down the streets to vehicles and it just this huge street fair. There was music and food and dancing in the streets and people selling their crafts. I loved being there; I was smiling the whole time.

And now I’m back here at the house. The Italian’s middle brother and his spouse are here once again and once again I’m being ignored.

And once again, not smiling.